random thoughts

"Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn’t change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It’s not just a river in Egypt, it’s a freakin’ ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?" This is what Dr. Meredith Grey said in an episode of one of my favorite tv shows, Grey’s Anatomy.

What a difference 7 days make. In one week, our lives will change.. a red nameplate will now graze our left breastpocket.. We’ll be back in our whites. How many times have I asked myself if I am worthy of being called a Medical Intern? Sure, I may long for that immaculate white coat that our counterparts in other hospitals will wear on May 1. But I am in PGH, mind you. To tell you the truth, the thought of going back to the wards makes me squirm.

I was having dinner with a group of friends the other day after badminton. There were 2 doctors and 2 non-med people. My friend graduated from UST Med a couple of years back and me, as you know, official alalay ng PGH. He said "If you go to PGH, you’ll end up smelling like the patients, like the bantays" (Uhmm what smell? Ako ba yun?!?! hahaha) “Yung parang hindi na nakakaligo tapos since magkakatabi kayo, magkaka-amoy na kayo…" Oh My God. I do NOT smell bad.. oh yeah, maybe nasanay na kami sa amoy ng bawat isa sa ER and wards.

I said "Yeah. Bakit sa UST charity ward ba hindi ba pareho lang? By the way naiinggit ako sa white coat ninyo. Pero and init naman sa PGH noh." and then our non-med friends remarked, "Bakit hindi ba aircon sa PGH?" Lord, sana aircon nga.. Sana i-aircon na nila ang buong PGH! If only our government would give us enough money for the medicines, facilities.. maybe the aircon is next! But for me it is the least priority.. So i explained to them the budget deficit in health etc. and how i actually dreaded going back.

I WILL BE A MEDICAL INTERN IN A WEEK’S TIME. There has been an outpouring of messages from relatives, doctors and friends who all say "Congratulations!" They all thought our batch in PGH already graduated from medical school. "Ooops thanks you pero next year pa po. Sa other medical schools after clerkship ang graduation. Kami hindi pa.. The system was changed years ago."

And what a change! our ICCs this year will be the 1st batch of those undergoing the new curriculum of UP. My younger sister, Nikki, will be a 1st year medical student.. just like her "ate" 4 years ago when she used to walk towards BSLR-East and headed for the chairs in the 3rd row, right side.  Our experiences would be different because I am part of the last 2 batches of the "traditional" curriculum, the lecture type of teaching medicine.

So here I am, have the 4 years in UP-PGH made me wiser? Tinuruan ako mag-HB (hanapbuhay). HB means prescribing extra syringes and the like to relatively "well-off" patients so that other indigent patients who cannot afford to buy anything may have something to use. It is a trade secret that medical students learn from their residents, from their SODs in the ER. I leaned to manage my time. To go to class until 5 pm and run to the dorm to pick up my badminton stuff every Tuesday. To finish my papers and endorsements then go to a gimmick on a Thursday night. To drop your renal, endo, CI, CAAP, IDS, SAPOD referrals and proceed to the ECG/X-ray room and after which, buy food sa Coop.

Oh the food in Coop! I love it. Where else can you buy ulam and kanin for 35 bucks, prepacked in styrofoam? My highschool friends couldn’t believe it. "Hindi ka ba natatakot magkasakit niyan?" Not really. Matibay yung tiyan ko from eating in UP Diliman’s CASAA " Ang mura naman!" Yes my dear, 35 bucks is all you need. But i heard it’s 40 pesos na daw but it can still go a long way. "Ikaw?" Yes. Why are you surprised? I need to save up. Besides, it is edible and yummy.

We have learned to be warriors and do QT/Qtingin. Whatever term you may use for it, it all means the same. Not really make up the values, but using this example to illustrate, copying the blood pressure measurement of the previous clerk/intern who monitored this patient. It does happen, believe me, especially if this patient has been in the hospital for months already and has stable BP. It does happen when the baby you are monitoring in the ward has teeny tiny legs that you can’t even feel if there is a palpable BP but he looks active. It does happen when the mommies in the OB ward are not diagnosed with pre-eclampsia/gestational hypertension. I’ve always regarded myself responsible for the patients in the ward. I won’t say na i haven’t used Qtingin at least once in some rotation. But there are times when I do get this feeling, when I know a certain patient is going to be toxic during our duty.  Gut feeling ko lang. And how many times have we seen Q4 patients (those monitored every 4 hours) in Internal Medicine as part of the mortality endorsements the following day? These patients looked well and usually died during the hour in between when they were to be monitored. In medicine, there is no second guessing.

So future doctors, if any of you watch Grey’s Anatomy (Star World, Thurs 9 pm) or have seen the entire season on your trusty pirated DVDs, you might as well know the characters there are medical interns! The doctors juggle romance and foster friendships while trying not to stab each other in the back over who’s going to assist in the surgeries. Actually in PGH, we hate assisting because it’s so hot inside the OR! There you go again, no airconditioning. "Don’t you worry about it not being sanitized then if the door to the OR is open?" I’m sure there is some bacterial overgrowth somewhere causing all the nosocomial infections. And unlike in the TV series, our scrub suits don’t remain pristine, it usually has blood splattered on it or reeks of human secretions. Sorry, there’s no hunky attending physician like Dr. Derek Sheperd (Patrick Dempsey).. The consultants in PGH are all old, bald and married except for a few. (Ooops si Dr. Sheperd din pala married!) Think Dr. House, ganun ka-tanda. Reality bites.

I am a medical intern, struggling to become a doctor.. struggling to be more human on a day to day basis.. It’s no joke to be a more compassionate and caring doctor but i try. Sometimes to the point that I get so affected when a patient dies or I become entangled in the patient’s day to day problems. Why watch soap operas on tv when the perfect script can be lifted from your patient’s medical interview ? Ito ang teleserye ng tunay na buhay!

I am a medical intern, struggling to become a doctor. How many classmates of mine said "I want to be a doctor, but I dont want to be a medical student!"? It’s impossible if you haven’t at least noticed a slight increase in the intonation of your voice while arguing with a makulit bantay. Or looked with despair at the impossibly long line at the Family Medicine/General Surgery OPD and you thought how can we finish? (But it can be done!) It’s impossible if you haven’t missed a meal during your duty in the labor room.

Medical school can bring out the best and the worst in people. We’ve all seen it. Arguments. Bashing. Gossip (after all, PGH is not called Philippine Gossip Hospital for nothing). But I’ve seen how it brought us together during break-ups with our ex-boyfriends, pigging out on Banana Split from Gary’s. Bahala na  muna ang monitoring.  How we managed to stay sane in Neurology with a ward and the ER all to ourselves. Because you know when you go back to the callroom, all the madness outside is gone. And we would just have DVD marathons and eat McDonald’s breakfast inside after a morning of Internal Medicine endorsements. And your friends are there. Pagtatawanan niyo na lang. These were the best years of our lives.

As my blockmate Tina said, "Paano na ang kikay, kilig at kadiri moments naten?" when she found out this morning that we weren’t going to be blockmates in internship. Another reason why I am a bit bummed out because my friends will be in the next block. And i tell her "Di bale magkakasama naman tayo in Surg/OB/Community/IM wards" if only to hide my dissapointment.  Frankly, I hate being alone during duty. I really don’t mind the toxicity of it all, as long as my friends are there.

Surprise, there’s a new list out on the e-groups! The names of our new blockmates… The incoming postgraduate interns from the other medical schools. 4 new faces. New interactions this year. I think this is going to be interesting.

Sink or swim in De Nile. It’s all up to me.

We are the next medical Interns… soon to be doctors… I can pretend to be in la-la land, basking in the summer sun, eating halo-halo on a hammock in the beach all day.. but not for long. Time to face reality. Time to pack my duty bag.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 21st, 2006 at 12:46 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.